Pornography

I think the thing which scares most parents of boys (especially mothers) the most when their son gets a laptop is the increased potential for their sons to watch pornography. Of course many boys have had the ability to find pornography on an unattended family computer or on their phone for some time already but the owning of a laptop certainly does increase the ease with which he can access it. Adding to the potential problem is that for many 14 year-old boys the body has begun to change and with it the desires around the opposite sex and sex. This can be exciting and confusing all at the same time (Some might argue that sex stays exciting and confusing for the next 70 years!).

“What can I do to protect my teenager?” is a question we get asked often. When it is asked the person is usually imagining getting advice around software to limit, or monitor access to pornography sites or ways to check what their son has been watching, or limiting when he can be alone with his machine etc. It can be frustrating but the answer educators almost always give is one about communication. That is engaging with one’s son about what you think about pornography morally, as a danger to future healthy relationships with women, the danger of looking for increasingly depraved material and as a potential time-waster at a crucial time in his development/education. Making clear what your expectations of him are around pornography and what strategies he might adopt to stop himself indulging in it when tempted. You may like to threaten him with consequences of being caught by you – although the only one which may have an impact is, “I will tell your mother!”. Most boys really would not like their mother to know if they gave in to this temptation. However, it is unlikely that any threats will work and they are likely to make open discussion hard and therefore be counterproductive. A level of trust is needed. It is very likely that your son will look at pornography. What he needs to have in his head is the voice of his parents or other caring adults which are encouraging him to turn away both for moral reasons and for his own development as a self-controlled man.

Of course a family can put in various controls on internet access. Certainly with younger children this is a good idea to help protect a child from inadvertently coming across pornography. With older boys this is less effective but it does say something to him about what is important in his home. One such option is www.opendns.com. You change settings on your home router and then you can manage access via their website. No software needs to be installed on any computers but you may need someone technical from your ISP to assist you. I would not recommend putting any special software on your son’s computer but that is a family decision.

I think the software route is certainly an option but it should not be in place of discussions between you and your son. He will be far safer if you are talking to him and listening to him than if you are simply trying to restrict him. He can access pornography easily from friends and probably in ways you have not realised yet. I believe our main job as parents around this issue is to help our sons make right choices and live a healthy lifestyle. This will help him long after he has left the protective cocoon of the home. I wish you all the best as you help you son to grow up into a fine young man who will makes wise choices about how he lives.

Peter Westwood